I Surrender(ed)


I once had a really hard time with the idea of surrender.  Nowadays I wouldn’t say I struggle with the idea, but It is something that I am still actively fine tuning.  

The idea seemed good in theory (It still does), but the idea of literally saying, “I’d like this but I am letting go of all expectation, and trusting in The Universe” was incredibly difficult.  I remember once telling my life coach that as much as I believed in the idea of surrender, I wanted to make It very clear to The Universe that I had a specific list of things I did really need, so I’d be ok with surrounding outside of the list.  (Side Note : This is actually the opposite of surrender.  The struggle was real).  

One area in particular that I struggled the most when It came to surrender was when I first began my coaching practice.  The idea to become a life coach came to me, and everything seemed to flow to get me to my certification.  In my mind, I’d be certified, clients would come to me because I sent a bat signal to The Universe that I was ready to coach, I’d leave my corporate job, and then I’d live happily ever after.  

In the middle of this “plan,” I attended Gabby Bernstein’s Spirit junkie Masterclass in June 2016, and I felt It was the next logical step in my plan.  I also felt like It further supported the “bat signal” I was sending out, and would make the flow of the plan work even smoother.  I was thinking positive, I was taking aligned right steps, and I was stretching outside of my comfort zone.  I mean, Why wouldn’t It work? 

While at the training, I thought I was JUST going to get business practices.  But early on in the training, Gabby stood on the stage and said we would also be doing inner work, because, “How dare she help us be teachers in the world, and not help us clear our own baggage.”  She was so right.  

So there I went, deep in to meditation, and basically face to face with issues I thought had handled.  And, as Gabby says, “If you don't handle what comes up, it’ll keep coming up.”

So a few hours in to the training, I got business principles and I got face to face with some baggage that I needed to face.  It was feeling like a pretty good investment.  

Gabby also shared that we could take these principles in to our jobs, and shared examples of folks actually doing so, simply by being mindful of language.  That’s not going to be me, though, I thought.  I’m out of my corporate job in a few months.  (Side Note : This is just another example of me actively resisting surrendering).

I didn’t actually leave my corporate job.  About 2 months from my intended departure, I felt a very strong nudge to stay put.  This nudge made zero sense to me in the scheme of my plan, but I knew in my bones I was supposed to stay.  

It’s been almost two years since that nudge to stay at my job.  And I couldn’t be more grateful.  Because in that two years, I have truly learned and embraced the idea of surrender.  Gabby taught a lot about surrender at Spirit Junkie Masterclass, and It was something I wanted to be open to, but very much resisted.  Looking back now, that nudge I received was the beginning of a lot of practicing of surrender.  

I got the nudge to stay, and when I decided to stay, several of the comforts I had at my job shifted.  I began working for a new boss, they had a new boss, and It felt like I had to get used to everything all over again.  

And when It came to my coaching practice, I was more confused then ever.  I was so sure I was meant to serve women and help them get control back in their own lives, but I was unsure of where to begin.  It felt like a “this or that” choice, and in my gut, I wanted to choose both.  I didn’t know how to look at embracing my job AND my coaching practice simultaneously, because for so long I thought It was a choice of one or the other.

It took me a year to finally fall in to a rhythm of finding a way to fully choose both.  And a little longer to actually start embracing both.  I now openly share about my coaching at work (and make mention of my job on my business instagram).  And recently, I stopped saying “I do life coaching on the side.”  Because it’s not a this or that.  It’s both.  

Two years ago, watching Gabby on stage at Spirit Junkie Masterclass, I was so deep in my resistance of surrender, that when she taught about embracing your job, I zoned out.  I thought I was beyond that.  And I missed the message.  But, as she taught over and over through the class, “If you don't handle what comes up, it’ll keep coming up.”

Through this surrender, I have reconnected to the joy I have with my team, and I am engaged in ways I hadn’t been in probably years.  And my coaching practice is firmly rooted, something I hadn’t been able to say for a long time as I’d been building It.  It never feels like a this or that.  They both flow.  And I am able to actively bring some of Gabby’s teachings and a lot of my own to work on a daily basis (and my team loves It!).  I have also stopped and acknowledged all he ways my job has served me and will continue to serve me as I expand my coaching practice.  

I am still working on surrender in other areas of my life.  It’s something that I know I will continue to fine tune.  When It comes to surrender, It doesn’t flip overnight.  It takes time.  It’s literally learning after learning.  And sometimes It feels like It takes so long.  But the resistance takes so much longer.  

(As a proud affiliate and graduate of Gabby Bernstein’s Spirit Junkie Masterclass, I am partnering with her and offering a bonus of 8 coaching sessions with me, if you purchase the digital version of the master class here!)