“Tell Me What You Really, Really Want” (Hint: It’s not advice!)
People don’t want advice.
I don’t know if this is something I am seeing more clearly as I age, if it’s because of my work as a coach, or a combination of both.
I’ve had clients say they want my opinion, but then they shift in to talking through their situation. And they never ask a question, anyway.
I’ve had friends ask for advice, but then give me all the reasons they would do what they were thinking.
And I’ve done the above. Over and over and over again.
What are people looking for then?
(And you may even be scratching your head thinking what do I do then with clients, if I’m not providing advice).
People want to be seen.
They want to process.
They don’t want to feel judged. And they want to stop judging themselves.
Yet they don’t know how to ask for that, so they ask for advice.
The truth is, we all know what we want. We all know the aligned things to do. Even if it’s hard.
No, especially when it’s hard.
We crave wrapping our minds around the new choices. That’s the part that feels hard.
We want to trust ourselves as we make big, scary, and/or new choices in life.
This is why coaching is such a powerful modality.
As I said earlier, I don’t give my clients advice. I don’t tell them if they are right or wrong. That’s up for them to decide.
I give them space to be seen. To show up just as they are. To process the highs, the lows, and the seemingly messy middle.
In that space, they judge themselves way less. And then they can choose with clarity and move forward with confidence.
This has carried over in to conversations with friends and loved ones, too. This idea – people not wanting advice – is just as true there.
For instance, I was once so upset about something and a friend gave me a great solution. Instead of taking the solution, I waited 9 months and complained. THEN I took the solution and applied and poof – problem solved.
I wasn’t looking for the solution, though. I was looking to feel seen. And I didn’t want to judge myself anymore.
(And in defense of my friend – she wanted me to stop complaining about the same thing over and over – she meant so well!)
So as you engage in conversations, what would it be like to bite your tongue when the urge to give advice bubbles up?
And if you’ve craving space to process and make sense of your own thoughts, and you’re curious about how coaching can support you, reach out to continue the conversation here
With joy,